I've got something to say

I've got something to get off my chest
It's been brewing for 4 years now
I apologize for my explicit rant,
I figure now that I'm about to graduate, I might as well rant it up

We all know it
Yet we never speak of it
We all get it
This has happened to all of us at some point or another

Last week I was talking to my coworker
We talked about our high school experiences
She being a junior, and I being a senior
We shared stories of good times we've had in high school
She told me of the time, when we played their school in basketball
Their entire student body wore shirts and ties
Such as to mock the people of the lone peak area
A display of mockery
A reconciliation of sorts,
That They deem necessary because everyone at lone peak is supposedly "rich"

Rich kids
Rich parents
Rich businesses
Rich houses
Rich cars
The life of rich people is something that can cause feelings of hatred
Faster than few other things
But why I ask?

For four years I, we have been mocked by other schools
And why?
Because we can afford a nicer house,
A faster car?
What is it about money that causes others to feel such feelings?
Do they feel inferior?

I don't know the answers to these questions
Yet I believe, it's as Mr. Rios likes to say, "somebody's gotta be rich, it might as well be us."

Forget to Remember

i remember those days sitting on the bench, alone with my thoughts
i remember when all that i cared about was sports. those were simple times
i remember when i couldn't get enough i laughed hysterically ever time i watched emperor's new groove. now i don't usually crack a smile.
i remember when life wasn't so serious

i remember when we were graded on effort, rather than our understanding of the material
i remember when i couldn't drive and all i wished for was my own car to drive anywhere i wanted whenever i wanted. now instead of driving all over i just sit at home and do nothing. go figure.

i remember when freedom was all i wanted. i still kinda want that but i'm scared of the implications and the responsibility
i remember when i didn't understand girls. i still don't.

i wonder how much i'll forget to remember

What do we need?

A semester ago I wouldn't have dreamed of using a picture as my blog post. Now, that is simply not the case. Senior-itis has set in and I'm just not able to function as well as I used to. So here's my post for this week. I really couldn't have typed it any better.

jack of hearts

i used to be happy just doing nothing, being with those i loved. i used to be content. sports used to be the biggest thing that mattered to me in the world.

that was a while ago.

now i sit up at night and think, ponder. wonder about the world and the nature of humans. i wonder why i feel the way i do. i wrestle with myself. with my inner self, with my thoughts. its like putting your palms together and pushing with all your might, one arm against the other, always to no avail.

i drive to work, and work to drive. i believe this metaphor is consistent with the lives of many americans. we, as humans, we work to live, and live to work. we fail to see what's really going on. we fail to live in the moment.

we fail to take chances because we are afraid, an i am the biggest offender. i fail to take chances because i am afraid. afraid of change, afraid of the unknown , uncertainty; i am afraid to fail.

therefore, my failure is a result of my fear of failure. go figure.

i have often wondered what my purpose is. i get restless when i'm not doing something that i believe is productive. i get caught up in netflix series and get too attached to the characters. but thats not really living.

my heart is telling me to take chances, but i ignore it. i push it down to the depths of my chest; i strangle it out, to the point that it can't influence my decisions. i listen to my brain more than my heart, even though my soul resides in my heart.

i'm a jack of hearts who needs to learn to listen to his heart.

don't be me

It's story time, kids

A loud thud followed by a scraaaaaape filled the air. All eyes on the beach turned to see what the source of the disturbance was. I alone started laughing, to everyone's dismay. Why are you laughing? Those around me questioned my reaction. 

It all started with a Sunday meeting, during which youth leaderships and adult advisers were to decide on monthly youth activities for the coming year. "Let's go boating", some 12 year old suggested. And that's just what we decided to do. 

The lake was deer creek. It was August. 95 degree weather. Perfect for a nice day on the lake with hamburgers and hotdogs for dinner afterward. My dad had been asked if he would travel up to the lake with out family's boat. He agreed, and I was his trusty assistant, ready and willing to take captaincy of the boat while my father backed down the truck to launch the boat. But, to my dismay, another adult had come in the car with us, and it was he whom my father trusted to drive the boat while he launched the thing. I reluctantly agreed with the plan, and everything went smoothly while launching the boat. 

We had a fun day on the lake, the hamburgers and hotdogs were all eaten, the Oreos devoured, and the watermelon consumed. A successful day on the lake, and a good wholesome youth activity. Everyone started packing up the beach, and I went to my father to see if he needed help trailering the boat. I then asked my dad if I could drive the boat while he backed the car down the ramp. I had never piloted the boat while trailering it, but I had watched my father do it dozens of times , and I felt confident in my fourteen year old driving ability. But my father, seeing as I had never done it before, decided to ask Mr. Olson, the man who had launched it with my father earlier. "Yup I've done it before, yep, it'll be fine, I'll do it," Mr. Olson insisted. 

So, i was on the beach, chatting with friends when I heard it, a loud thud followed by a scraaaaaape. That was when I started laughing. "Sorry," Mr. Olson said. "I guess I haven't actually done it before, I've just seen it and it didn't look too difficult." 

Mr. Olson had accelerated the boat too fast and completely rammed the hull of the boat into the back of our pickup. "At least the boat's not damaged," I told my father on the drive home. Mr. Olson, not in our car, had decided to hitch a ride with someone else on the trip home. 

the upshot of David Charleston

Upshot: the final or eventual outcome; the conclusion or result of a discussion or series of events.

This is the upshot of David Charleston...

I have thought about this post for weeks, never knowing exactly what to say, 

What I wanted to say. 

I have nothing to say

I have nothing profound to say, 

Not a pithy saying, 

Not a clever riddle, 

Nor a well-versed poem. 

I have been verbose in my writing all throughout this semester, yet now, 

I can't think of how to do this. 

I guess it's because I'm scared. 

Scared is not strong enough a word to describe what I am feeling. 

I have been frightened, no terrified of this post. 

I feel like I need to give you guys something inspiriational, 

Something meaningful, 

Something to make you think,

Or something that makes you inhale sharply, or exhale slowly....

But I have nothing, nothing more than the truth

The raw, ugly truth.

The truth is that I'm not David Charleston. 

I'm not a character in a fictional novel. 

I don't have his depth. 

I don't have his heart. 

I don't have his deep soul. 

I don't have his experience or his ability to learn from his mistakes. 

I make mistakes, then I make them again and again. 

I misread situations. 

I don't understand, when the truth is obvious, staring me in the face. 

I have a short memory, and most of my problems are self-inflicted. 

I am not David Charleston. 

But...

I am 100% real. 

Everything I've posted about over this semester is 100% real. 

Completely the truth. 

This is the upshot of David Charleston: 

My name is Tanner Klein. 

And thanks for reading my blog and commenting. 

It means a lot. 

Please continue to stick with me. 

Thanks. 

In case you don't know me, 

Here's a selfie:

friend or lover? check one

i always procrastinate these posts,
i guess that's a typical teenager right?
waits until the last minute to do everything, you know?

that's not why i wait
i wait because i'm self-conscious
i'm self conscious of my writing, my thoughts, my ideas,
myself

i guess that's why i wait.

you wrote the word zap on my arm and told me to read the other side at 3:45 when you were safely on a bus going home to your house, far enough away that you wouldn't see what i read.

you wrote your name on my arm,
you wrote that i love you.
the next day you passed me a note;
friend or lover? check one please

i checked the latter.............

as each quarter passes, the hallways get less and less crowded.
as each quarter passes, more and more people decide what they're going to do after,
move to a remote location halfway across the world, preaching foreign people foreign ideas about god,
or move away to a college campus, meet new people,
the hallways buzz with excitement, for summer, for freedom, for the end of this 4-year journey that started when we were just 14.

we take for granted our wins and losses,
we take for granted the childhood that treated us so well
we take for granted this experience, an experience that brought both pain and joy.

maybe a year from today i'll be envying the high school students
and wishing to be back under those lights,

those friday night lights........
and maybe i'll wish i hadn't taken that note for granted, 
friend or lover? check one please. 

but, it's like whatever. 

hey guys, i get scared too

i know i act like i'm not afraid,
like i'm not scared, like i never get scared
i know i'm always the first one into the haunted house,
the one to kill the huge spider on the wall

i get it,
you're scared,
but guess what?
i'm scared too

i'm scared of being real, of letting my true self show,
because once i do that
there'll be no more barriers
nothing blocking you from seeing
my true self.
so i guess my real fear is rejection.
the fear that you won't like what you see
i'm afraid of rejection

i'm scared of beginnings
of something new,
yet, i'm also scared of endings,
the end of something great, something wonderful, something that can never be replaced

i'm scared of the truth
because the truth never lies,
so i lie to myself,
to protect myself from the truth.

anyone scared of cracks? no, david that's preposterous they say.
i'm scared of cracks,
scared of falling through the cracks,
i'm scared of being forgotten,
of being that person,
that nobody ever talks about

most of all, i'm scared of myself,
scared of that rage, that depression, that love
that foolhardy love
i'm scared of my shadow,
for it follows me everywhere i go,

and i'm scared of what it might see..................

i'm scared

pīnati me te tangata

when i was 6 i read harry potter for the first time,

when i was 7 i learned to lie, 

when i was 10 i learned that my parents weren't going to be able to protect me forever,

when i was 12 i had my first kiss,

when i was 13 i was popular

i don't remember much from my fourteenth year,

when i was 15 i got grounded for 2 months for something i didn't do

sophomore and junior years passed by in a blur.....

now i'm eighteen...........

and i've learned that i am completely human. 

i make mistakes 

i get into deep _ _ _ _ sometimes

i fall asleep at my computer writing an essay that's due the following morning

i pushed away those who loved me, 

just to say that i got the grade.....

and here i am alone on a friday night, sitting; eating peanuts

man...these peanuts are good

i laugh and i love,

i get emotional when i'm sad, happy, or angry,

i wear my emotions on my sleeve

and i fly off the sleeve of my cuff

and my eye will focus on 50 things per second

and all the while wondering what i can do to be more human

there's something special about those summer nights,

when the trees are slightly swaying from the breeze that's just strong enough to keep you cool,

when the sunset hits the climax, and the intensity reflects the passion you feel for that person

when you look at the stars and contemplate who lowly, how insignificant you are compared to the vastness of the universe,

i, David Charleston, am purely, completely, and ultimately human.

and i love peanuts.

as always, 

too young to love

Me:

 i knew it was too good to be true,

you stole my heart and my first kiss

you stole my summer nights and my constant freethoughts

this love was ReaL.

i thought that this love was real

they say that love at first sight is a myth

screw it, that can't be true

they say that teenagers don't know what love is

that we're too young

too stupid 

too foolish

10:56 AM

Me:

#2yung2findluv
11:05 AM

Me:

why can't things just be the same as they were

why does it have to change

i know i ended it early 

but i just got scared

can you just give me another chance

remember those nights?

remember the good times?

remember when we spent those days,

all alone it was just us

listening to our song on the radio

laying in the bed of my pickup 

stargazing
3:16 PM

Me:

i know we were young

but i know what i felt
4:56 PM

Me:

can you just give me another chance?
12:06 AM

Me:

it was just a friendship with a little spark,

but every fire starts from just one spark

i've been thinking a lot about you lately,

we were so close

now we're galaxies apart

3 hours ago

Me:

bring us together

lets take another run

lets give it another shot,

i know we were young,

but i know what i felt
36 minutes ago

You:

i'm sorry, i think you've got the wrong number
2 minutes ago

Me:

frick
just now

sleepless nights

i often can't sleep at night.
my mom says it's because i have such a wonderful mind; it doesn't like to shut off at night,
i think it's because my mind is mocking me,
mocking me with memories of the past,
memories of the used to be, the has-been, the was.

i often sit in bed for hours thinking......
my past is the reflection on the pupil of my left eye that i am looking at in the mirror,
always there, always a part of me. always staring me straight in the face, unrecognizable, often hard to notice--or remember to notice--but always there.

i used to think that i would have lots of friends in high school. life would be just as carefree and blissful as Troy and Gabriella in High School Musical.

was i wrong.......

they say not to worry about the past, forget the future, and cherish the present, because it is a gift. i'll my past, gift wrapped, bow on top, thanks, put the receipt in the bag.

back when we were given a box of crayons and told to explore the world through our own eyes, through our crayons, onto our paper.

don't doodle on your assignments they say,

i say take me back to 1st grade, where life was so much more simple.

-David Charleston

through the fog

i can't see,
can't behold that illustrious, fluctuation of past and present,
or that inadequate representation of something not worth trying for.

i don't know how i'm gonna survive,
this emptiness, this misconception, this loss of vision for what is really important

is that really me,
is that really me staring straight ahead right back at me through the fog.
am i really that short, that stone cold, that unclear.

unclear of the future, of what i want to do, of who i want to be
maybe that's why i can't see myself
i can't see what i look like, i can't see how i portray myself.
i can't perceive the person i have become, who i have become.

it's all foggy now........

i don't know what to think,
i'm thinking irrationally,
i don't know what it is that i want

i've got to find a way to clear this fog.

see through the fog,

pierce the fog.

that's the only way,
the only option

through the fog


(thanks for reading)

-David Charleston

1..........21 bricks

21 bricks that i wish i would have dropped

21. i wish i would have graduated early; i had the chance, didn't take it

20. i wish i would have been better to my friends

19. i wish i would have worried less

18. i wish i would have gotten more sleep......i really wish

17. i wish that i would have taken creative writing 2. i really like this class

16. i wish i would have read more. reading saves live

15. i wish i had more time

14. i wish i had more time for you

13. i wish i could've been more outgoing

12. i wish i could've lifted people up, just like they lifted me

11. i wish i would have studied harder

10. i wish i would have gotten a higher act score

9. i wish i would have spent more nights pondering about life

8. i wish i could have learned to organize my thoughts

7. i wish i was a leader, rather than a follower

6. i wish i could have paved a new path, rather than follow on paved by another

5. i wish i would have wasted less time. time is the most valuable asset

4. i wish i would have valued people more, and material things less

3. i wish i would have appreciated my family, they mean the world to me

2. i wish i could've been a better example

1. i wish that i could have learned to love

just give me time

just give me time........

in time i'll be accomplish that goal
succeed in that sport,
wash the windows to my clouded soul with spot-free soap,

in time i'll be able to read that book,
write that much more profoundly,
quit my irrevocable habit of being a constant know-it-all

in time i'll be less prideful,
more succinct in my thinking,
more compassionate.....yes that's something i need to work on

in time i'll give you something to witness
something to set on your shelf and look at time and time again
i'll be something,
someone worthy of your notice

just give me time........

in time i'll correct that last wrong
i'll change
change into someone caring, sympathetic, and true
i'll be able to listen, not just speak about myself

in time it'll all change,
for the better i promise
in time i'll be someone worth falling for
someone who you know you can trust
i'll be that person you can lean on,
in those times of distress

don't give up one me,
please, not just yet
cuz i'll get there someday

please,

just give me some time.........

until next time,

david charleston

fear

i can't breathe
i'm being crushed under the weight of it; i promise i can't lift that much
it's like a steel knife in my windpipe
i can't breathe
but i still fight while i can fight
i've never been here before
i've never felt this way before
i've done hard things, sure, but this; this is too much

this fear,
i'm being weighed down
my pants are sagging under the weight
it's strangling me, its got both hands on my throat
this fear is strong

strong as the shadows and monsters of my childhood imagination
strong as the wind in my face going 80 mph down the highway
it's as strong as my love for her, just before i moved away.....
this fear

it's gripping me
it's got control of me
why can't i stop it?
why can't i do anything to control it?
why can't i force myself, just this once
to take a leap of faith
force down that fear

but i can't.......
i can't do it
i can't do it
i can't do it
i can't do it
i won't do it
i won't do it
i won't do it

because i've got nothin to say to you
i've got nothin to say to you
i've got nothing to say to you

i've go somethin to say to you.......
i can say it
i will say it

this fear holds me back
this fear controls me

yet fear...........
is an obstacle to overcome
when i overcome it..........
my victory will be that much sweeter

love, have we met before?

was that you on the fourth of july, staring me in the face as we watched the fireworks down below

was that you last summer, whispering to me with the windows down

was that you back in seventh grade, or was i too young then

love have we met?

because that wasn't you through those pickup truck speakers, blasting out the same old country hits

i know that wasn't you when i kissed her at midnight on new years eve

i know that wasn't you when i held her hand for the first time

my hands clamming up and feeling sweaty under the pressure

i know that wasn't you when i kissed her after the football game

the win being a perfect reason to do so

love, when are we gonna' meet?

because i didn't recognize you in the fog of people surrounding me

because your bittersweet sting, i have never felt before

because the only beat i hear isn't coming from my own heart

because those lyrics are set to repeat repeat repeat

because i my world is constant, predictable as was breaking on the shore

love, will i feel different when we meet?

will i finally get that feeling, the feeling you get with a first kiss

will i get to feel that bittersweet sting, the product loving someone else

will i finally get to cry, simply because my love is in pain

will i finally care about a cause greater than myself

will i finally see in color, after years of black and white

love how long do i have to wait?

i hope it you touch will feel electric

like static throughout my body

your kiss as real as the feeling of nostalgia i feel

i hope you will be worth it, 

even when i feel the vivid sting of heartbreak

love, i hope we meet someday

truth is

i'm named after my father, yet somehow i don't believe i will grow into his shadow.
i'm five foot nine, and his shadow six-eight.
i fight this fight, day after day
spit out blood, and get back up.
i'm getting tired of these fake people; fake posts, tweets. fake pictures. laughing for the sake of it. smiling for the photo. take a seat.

i've never feared death or dying. i've only feared never trying. i am whatever i am. only God can judge me now.
i'm so done with this unfulfilling busy work. i'm done with pretending. i'm done being gone.
i want to be there
there for you.

i need to be me; you need to be you. i won't judge you if you return the favor.
your feeling down? you feel like you don't matter?
you're not alone, cuz i'm right there with you.
just do you.
cuz you have potential. you just need to work at it.

till next time.

-David Charleston

h_A_t_S

hats are an extension of my mood.

if i'm in a serious mood i might wear my hat forwards and low over my brow.

if i'm feelin fresh i might turn it backwards.

if i'm feelin jazzy i might go for a little sideways action.

here are some pics just for fun:

i've always thought i look good in hats. but that's probably the case with anything. isn't that human nature? to always believe we are better than we actually are? maybe for some. maybe not for others. it seems that sometimes the most confident people that you know are actually the most insecure with themselves. go figure huh. i've always wondered though. these kind of people seem to have everything. they're good looking, tall, always seem to have the perfect girlfriend/boyfriend. yet they still get insecure. 

i think i look good in hats. 

la entrada

Testing........Testing.........1,2,3...............

Are we on?..........is this thing on?......

just jokin' with yah.

my pen name is David Charleston. oddly, his story inspires me. no, he is not a real person. he never lived, he never breathed. he is a fictional character from a book that i read once. man, i love that book. see, writing should make you feel something--should reach out and GRAB you by the ______ (shirt). i hope to that with this blog. with my blog. it feels weird saying "my blog." i have never created a blog before. i will to my utmost capacity to not be cliche about this. if i am, let me know in the comments section below. thanks guys. appreciate you reading this.....i really do. 

David Charleston lives in a world where he has known nothing but devastation. heartbreak. sickness. corruption. darkness (literally the sun never shines). he feels something deep inside--a hatred, deeply rooted inside his very soul. he knows he cannot move forward with his life until he quenches this feeling of anger and hatred. 

sometimes i wonder, "is it wrong to feel angry sometimes?" 

is it wrong to feel mad at the world?

mad at someone or something for causing you pain. 

i have a tendency to question everything. 

i enjoy doing it. it keeps me real. keeps my life interesting. see how i did that. 

you may have questions too. if so, stick around. we have a lot of questioning to do.

.............................................................................................

by the way, la entrada does not mean anything in french. i just like the sound of it.