jack of hearts

i used to be happy just doing nothing, being with those i loved. i used to be content. sports used to be the biggest thing that mattered to me in the world.

that was a while ago.

now i sit up at night and think, ponder. wonder about the world and the nature of humans. i wonder why i feel the way i do. i wrestle with myself. with my inner self, with my thoughts. its like putting your palms together and pushing with all your might, one arm against the other, always to no avail.

i drive to work, and work to drive. i believe this metaphor is consistent with the lives of many americans. we, as humans, we work to live, and live to work. we fail to see what's really going on. we fail to live in the moment.

we fail to take chances because we are afraid, an i am the biggest offender. i fail to take chances because i am afraid. afraid of change, afraid of the unknown , uncertainty; i am afraid to fail.

therefore, my failure is a result of my fear of failure. go figure.

i have often wondered what my purpose is. i get restless when i'm not doing something that i believe is productive. i get caught up in netflix series and get too attached to the characters. but thats not really living.

my heart is telling me to take chances, but i ignore it. i push it down to the depths of my chest; i strangle it out, to the point that it can't influence my decisions. i listen to my brain more than my heart, even though my soul resides in my heart.

i'm a jack of hearts who needs to learn to listen to his heart.

don't be me